Wot?

Uhh, wot, bruv?... U take candle-lit baths? U watch DVD commentreez jus 4 a larf? Thats epic fail m8, u r probs a bit queer. If u hang out wiv me + Fozza, we'll show u Top Gear. Theres loadsa wicked cars + they say cheeky things. And a man who's a hamster; them geezers are kings. WOT?? U eat rice cakes and lentils? Weak! I like crisps, meat, and bacon; thems my fundementalz. If you like eatin that, wot else cud be rong...I bet u ride ponies, and write wanky songs. Man, I'll txt Hurty Haz, + tell him bout you. He'll fuckin piss himself, he's thug thru and thru. Wot I'll do iz, I'll give u sum propa advice. You should work on ur banta, it's a bitchin device, 4 sayin mean things, but keepin it lite. Me + the ladz always do it, it shows that we'r tight. L8er then boss, got to get into town, Gary the Hammer is gonna happyslap sum clown. Lol.

 

A masterful lesson in the dying art of the double entendre

Here are the girls from the in-no-way-banal ratings winner Loose Women, stubbornly refusing to lazily toss a log of generalisation on the cosy fire of worn out gender stereotypes.

First, brassy Wakefield warbler Jane McDonald applies some hansomely broad brush strokes to an illuminating coat hanging issue, and how it highlights some fundamental, and (evidently universal) differences between men and women. Clearly keen not to stop there, our heroins then nobly dodge a cliche which could easily be fired at themselves : all middle aged women find cheap, fruity inuendo menopause inducingly hilarious.

http://tinyurl.com/y9z7dem

(Just to be clear, they are actually talking about cocks.)

I'm off to try my very hardest, despite my limitations - to fold a coat and wash a plate.

*Jane McDonald's Platinum selling album Jane is available, somewhere probably.

Danny Dyer and Paul Danan should co-habit, and raise children - and someone should film it.

Paul Danan, formerly of vacuous tea time treat Hollyoaks, was briefly the undisputed king of the world in 2005/2006, when he lit up the screen in the reality mega-hit: Celebrity Love Island.

Excitable and unstable, Paul endeered himself to the nation by lustfully coveting the affections of seemingly every single girl he saw... perhaps most dazzlingly when he showed off his skills as an urban lyricist for Australian model, Emily.

http://tinyurl.com/yhcz8ze


Sure Paul, it's your English twang doing your rap a disservice. Otherwise, it's dynamite.

Capitalising on his lothario status, ratings behemoth ITV2 swooped for Danan to present Test Drive My Girlfriend. In it, he mostly sat in a room watching a monitor feed of a catostrophic attempt from a socially awkward man to woo a slightly less socially awkward woman. Pauses in proceedings occur only when our host tells the camera how much he would like to sleep with said woman.

Evidently, the show was viewed by so few people that there are no clips to be found anywhere obvious on the internet, other than this pithy, yet glamorous intro sequence.

http://tinyurl.com/ykw7yz9







Danny Dyer is a mainstay of lazily written British cinema. Cheeky and loveable, he seems to have carved out a career for himself, mainly by virute of being from East London, and talking like a scamp.

Here is what happens when you point a camera at him and ask him to talk.

http://tinyurl.com/yj6dxgy


He also pens a weekly column for high brow Zoo magazine, in which he recently told of an angry run in with celebrity Dwarf, Verne Troyer:

"The little fella couldn't give a f**k about the people being given awards and spent the entire time on his BlackBerry. The thing looked like a laptop next to him! Anyway, he left halfway through, but not before he'd tried cracking on to my missus! I didn't know what to do... I can't give a midget a slap, can I? So, I decided to have a 'little' word with him.

Get it? 'Little' word. Because Verne is a dwarf, and they are little, innit. You nonce.

They are both heroes, and need to be on the nation's screens more often; permanently in fact. Refer to the title of this post for a startlingly simple TV format idea. Channel 4 might get on board, and two years down the line, cult status secured, Dave could show repeats in the daytime. Students would lap it up.

It's pretty much a license to print money.

Wonky British accents. Chicken soup for the soul.

Here is (Minnesota born) Josh Hartnett chatting up Rachael Leigh Cook in the 2001 smash hit, Blowdry.

We are asked to believe that he is Yorkshire born, and bred.



He delivers a sequence of about four or five words, during which I struggle to decipher a single one. Check out how squirmy and uncomfortable he is with the whole sorry affair; it's all in the eyebrows. How he slipped through casting is a mystery. A funny, funny mystery.

Then again, if Josh got his schooling from the following voice coach, who offers British accent tutorials on YouTube's 'expertvillage' - perhaps it's not such a tough case to crack. (Thank you to Adam and Joe).

So then...

...Bobbah?


...Coffah?

Excuse mah.

I'm off for a nice cup of Tah, maybe a chocolate brownah, and to settle down with an exciting movah.